Five ways to explore from home — no checklists, no purity tests, no dating apps!
What if this year, finally, bisexuality wasn’t treated as a vibe to debate but a fact to build on, or maybe…both?
Bis make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ community.
We know that bis across all genders face disproportionate violence, mental health crises, and chronic invisibility in data, media, and policy. We know all that, so what if we stopped re-litigating our existence and started designing for our thriving? Building from a place that we know is already real?
We deserve systemic recognition, yes, and today I’m focusing on the individual work, the “figuring it out” part.
And for individuals still figuring it out, whether you’re 16 or 66, monogamous or single, out or closeted, I want you to have a roadmap that doesn’t require performance, partnerships, or proof.
(The why is below, so keep reading!)
I also want to mention that this piece is NOT celibacy propaganda; quite the opposite.
This is for people who need a sort of Bisexuality 101 before anyone hands them graduate-level coursework on pleasure principles or relationship structures or Kinsey or the Genderbread man.
I’m 40 now, but I came out as a teenage virgin and immediately faced pressure: How do you know? Are you really bi if you haven’t …? When was the last time you…?” and so on.
I wasn’t ready to negotiate kink scenes, safe words, or open relationships. How could I articulate a boundary when I couldn’t even say that I was bi to myself in a mirror, especially as a young black boy.
I was still trying to trust what my body knew. That was step one, and it was a hard, lonely, dark, wet place to navigate when the loudest voices were already experts in advanced-level frameworks I hadn’t even heard of yet or committed to misunderstanding me.
This piece is for the monogamous and committed, the virgin and hesitant, the closeted and cautious, the disabled without access, and the baby boomer just finding words. Some of you may never physically explore your attractions, not because you’re confused or repressed, but because life, safety, health, geography, faith, or relationships mean that door in the physical realm stays closed. That doesn’t make it less valid.
The litmus test for bisexuality isn’t “Have you had sex with multiple genders?” It’s “Do you experience attraction to more than one gender?” If this identity feels true, if you are convicted by the label and what it represents, if it hums when no one’s asking for proof, you’re already there.
As someone who has been a public advocate for the bi+ community for years and overheard many conversations and experiences, there’s room for all of us. Different folks need different maps.
Let me tell you a bit more as to why I’m so sure about this approach. As a teenage virgin in a Christian, Black Los Angeles home, I learned the word “bisexual” late and the shame early. I fell into the trap and I chased “proof” — experiences I definitely wasn’t ready for with people I didn’t know to convince people I’d never meet again. It didn’t make me more certain or confident; it made me small. It planted a belief in my psyche that I must always support my bisexuality with equal numbers of same gender and different gender bodies.
When we frame sexuality as a spectacle — DM receipts, body counts, partner rosters, etc. — we train bi people who may not be ready to make their public declaration to outsource their certainty. Community is already hard to find and keep; flattening a kaleidoscope into a rubric serves no one.
Last point, before I get into my list of exploratory methods. Straight and gay identity contains the virgin and the porn star; the celibate and the married. So do ours.
FIVE CREATIVE WAYS TO EXPLORE YOUR BISEXUALITY
Have you ever asked yourself what exactly you like about different genders? Specifically?
- Sensing practice (10 minutes, no phone)
Sit with two memories of attraction, any gender(s). NOTE: This is not about frequency or making sure you include 50% of men and 50% of women in your memories. This is about opening the door of permission.
Where does attraction land in your body? Chest, throat, groin, shoulders? Heat, lightness, tightness? Name five sensations and five emotions for each. Identify the patterns over performances. Do some people feel more cerebral than others? Do some activate something deeper and harder to pin point?
2) Desire Map (private, messy, honest)
Draw three circles: romantic, aesthetic, and erotic. List who/what lives in each and why. Notice overlaps and outliers. Think of this as a weather report. Bis have this phenomenon called the “bi-cycle.” The idea behind the bi-cycle is that sometimes you may be magnetized to a certain person, body, look, vibe, than other times.
For adults, erotic journals or adult films can safely support this exploration. The goal here is to give yourself permission to acknowledge an discover the innocent reflections, the cutesy ones, and naughty ones.
3) Media diet, intentionally queered
For 30 days, feed yourself Bi+ books, films, podcasts, and creators across age, race, ability, and relationship styles. Notice where the collective bisexual narrative has been left out of the frame. Notice where you see yourself or don’t see yourself. What does it feels like to see yourself included and centered the way that you want to be? Which perspectives of bisexuality resonate with you and which don’t? What do all fluid people share and where do we diverge? Note down resonance moments, for example, “This felt like me.” Exposure fights invisibility.
4) Community without confession
Attend one event, local group, online meetup, or workshop where sharing is optional. Your presence is participation. Practice saying, “I’m bisexual,” or “I’m pansexual,” or “I’m fluid,” or “I like …” full stop. No backstory, no CV, and no debate. Let it be a full sentence because it is.
5) Fantasy as research (consensual, solo, safe)
Journal or voice-note a three-scene story that turns. you. on! Reminder again, permission is the goal here, not how explicit, thorough, or artistic you can be. What would happen if you were stuck on an island with your crush or crushes with full consent? What if they liked you back? What if they affirmed your attractions and thought your sexuality was hot (in a non-fetishizing way).
Track themes, including power, caretaking, mischief, and devotion. Your imagination is part of your data set.
Before I let you go, I want to address the question: ‘What about attraction to [other gender]?’
That question assumes we are uniquely unsafe in committed relationships, as if attraction outside a partnership is orientation-specific rather than human. Well, we needn’t look far to know it’s not!
But if YOU ARE experiencing physical curiosity or a deep ache to experience and wondering what to do with it, a “Desire Map” can help you discern between ‘I need to act on this’ and ‘I need to understand what this means.’ Share your Desire Map, your interior landscape of what draws you and why, not your little black book or ‘proof.’ Invite your partner (or a therapist) into dialogue about the desire itself, not into defending your ability to be committed and trustworthy.
If proving hurt you (or almost did)
You aren’t weak for wanting certainty; you were handed a bad map like most bis. If your firsts were confusing, coerced, or just … awful, your orientation hasn’t vanished. You get to start again with consent, context, and care.
This week choose one practice described above and do it this week. Put it on your calendar like a date because it is one, with yourself.
Bi without the sex isn’t celibacy propaganda; it’s a permission slip into awareness. Explore richly, name precisely, and move at your own speed. You don’t owe anyone your history to deserve your identity, recognition, or basic respect. You don’t need a checklist to earn your colors.
You, are already evidence.